Would you be surprised if I told you that the best thing you could do for all your relationships is become a better listener?
James 1:19 says, “Let each of you be quick to listen; slow to speak, slow to become angry.”
We see in this verse that we are commanded as Christians to be good listeners. Obviously, if God commands us to do something that should be enough for us. But it’s also helpful to see the blessings in God’s commands.
There are many blessings of being a good listener. One of them is it helps us avoid speaking foolishly. Proverbs says “Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” We shouldn’t be hasty to speak, but instead should train ourselves to listen well that our words might be a blessing.
Additionaly, one of the main blessings of listening is that it is an essential way in which we love others. Listening is really an application of the second greatest commandment to love others as ourselves (Matt. 22:39). All of us are eager, even desperate for people to truly listen to us.
There are actually robots people can buy that listen to them. Advancements in AI is making these robots more and more lifelike. This reveals a profound truth about us: we all fear that no one is listening to us. This is perhaps one of the reasons people are so obsessed with social media. We have Twitter and FB and Snapchat, because it gives us the feeling that someone out there is listening and they care.
All of this reveals the golden opportunity Christians have to love people in a significant way simply by listening. We must understand that the question, “How are you?” isn’t a throwaway. How many people get asked that question by someone who truly cares and listens.
Listening is loving. Or as Henry Nouwen said, “Listening is spiritual hospitality.” When you listen you are creating a sacred space where someone is heard and listened to and cared for.
Listening loves people in suffering
In Job 2:13 we read this about Job’s friends, “And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights for they saw that his suffering was very great.”
Job’s friends didn’t do many things right, but at least they started strong. They began with what some have called a ministry of presence. They were simply with Job. They sat with him. I assume they listened, perhaps they even cried with him.
Being a good listener is vital to caring well for others, especially during hard times. Time for words, processing and even theological discussion will come, but listening is vital in the immediate aftermath of tragedy.
Listening loves people by bringing clarity
“The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out” (Proverbs 20:5).
Often the biggest help we can be to people trying to think through a problem or issue is to be a good listener. People can often discover the solution themselves, they just need someone to ask questions to make it clear. They need someone to help them solve the problem by asking them questions.
We are to be servants according to Mark 10:42-45. Listening is an act of service because we are laying aside our desires and focusing on another person. The service of active listening helps people by bringing clarity.
Growing as a Listener
Maybe you’re convinced that you need to grow as a listener. But how? Listening well is actually hard and is a skill we need to develop. Here are just a few suggestions.
Be patient.
Some studies show that we have to listen to someone for 8-10 minutes minimum before they feel like you have truly listened to them.
Lose Yourself in Your Subject
Dale Carnegie tells a story about going to a cocktail party where he met a botanist. He had never met a botanist before and so he began asking him question after question. He didn’t feign interest, he actually tried to lose himself in what this man did for a living. At the end of the night the botanist praised Carnegie for being a great conversationalist. Carnegie pointed out that he barely spoke. All he did was listen.
But the botanist felt so cared for, loved and valued. As Carnegie said, “That kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone.”
People feel loved when we listen to them. There was a child who often asked his mom to listen to his stories. One day the child said, “Mom, I know you love me, because you always put aside what you’re doing to listen to me.” (83).
Take a genuine interest in others. Try to forget yourself by getting lost in the other person’s world and concerns. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk. Let them lead the conversation. Figure out what they are passionate about and ask them about it. Resist giving advice too quickly. You know what people generally do with advice they don’t ask for? They don’t follow it. Of course, admonishing conversations need to happen and we need to be assertive with God’s truth at times, especially in evangelism. But in general it’s good to listen well and wait for people to ask us our opinion.
If we listen well it will enrich our friendships and help us gain new friendships. As Dale Carnegie said, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” (52). Next time you’re going to meet with someone and you don’t know what you’re going to talk about, decide to get lost in their interests and in them. The meeting will be way more interesting and you will love them deeply in the process.
Listen Actively
Mortimer Adler compares the relationship between a speaker and a listener to a catcher and a pitcher. The catcher in baseball is just as active as the pitcher.
Our son played baseball this Fall and at one of his games a little kid got behind the plate to catch. At their age very few kids can catch well, but this kid trudged over to the plate covered in catcher’s gear like David in Saul’s armor. It’s a good thing he was wearing heavy protective gear because the ball hit him straight in the face. He didn’t get any glove on this pitch at all. He fell straight on his back as parents stared to see if he was okay. Thankfully, he was fine. He’s a tough kid.
But might I suggest that that is like us sometimes when it comes to listening in conversation. People are spilling their thoughts, eager for someone to listen and words are just hitting us straight in the face and falling to the ground.
When we listen we should:
- Focus intently on them, make eye contact, lean forward, etc.
- Encourage subtly
- Refrain from distracting behavior
- Ask clarifying questions to help you follow what they’re saying
- Set no agenda but let them lead the conversation (unless of course the meeting is for a specific purpose).
Listening is an important way in which we imitate God.
Psalm 116:1-2 says,
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
When we listen, we imitate God who loves us by listening to our cries for mercy. He heard the groans of the prisoners doomed to die (Ps. 102:18-22).
And thankfully he did more than listen. He answered our prayers, by coming to earth to die. He drank the cup of wrath we deserved and was raised from the grave.
He’s perfectly loving, he’s the perfect listener, he’s the perfect Lord.
Mike McGregor
Mike McGregor (MDiv, Reformed Theological Seminary) is Director of College Ministry at First Baptist Church in Durham, N.C. You can follow him on Twitter at @m5mcgregor.
