Confronting others about their sin is a daunting task. We’ve all been in a situation where someone has sinned against us, or at least we believe they have, and we know we should talk to them about it but we are simply scared to do so. On one hand, we are commanded to sharpen one another (Prov. 27:17) and admonish one another (Col. 3:16) in love. On the other hand, we can do harm to others and relationships if we go about this poorly and inconsiderately. So how can we confront others appropriately and graciously?
Laying the Foundation
Many object principally to the idea of confronting someone about their sin. In an age where following our heart is the highest creed, it can be daunting to tell someone they’ve acted wrongly.
However, often times our failure to admonish others stems from pride and self-love. We don’t share a hard truth with others because we fear their disapproval. “We protect our pride at the cost of their souls,” Mark Dever writes.[1] Yet, it hardly needs arguing that sharing the gospel and helping conform our brothers and sisters into the image of Christ is the most loving thing we can do.
It may help dispel the notion that admonishment of others is arrogant to realize that we must never judge others based on our own moral assertions, but on Scripture alone. Scripture makes this point in James 4:11-12. In verse 12 James writes, “There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?” James is condemning Christians who were admonishing Christians based on their own laws rather than God’s law. James says this is tantamount to judging God’s Word and setting ourselves up as a higher judge than God. Instead, we should admonish others only when they have clearly trespassed God’s Word, not our own moral code or even our feelings.
Whether we like it or not, it cannot be denied in Scripture that we are responsible for confronting our brothers and sisters about their sin. There are copious examples and commands in Scripture to admonish others. Nathan famously confronted David about his sin with Bathsheeba. Samuel confronted Saul (1 Sam. 13:8-15); Paul confronted Peter (Gal. 2:11-21). We are told “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another” (Prov. 27:17), and “faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Prov. 27:6). Jesus tells us that if our brother sins against us we should “go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone” (Matt. 18:15). It’s clear. We must share the truth with others that we might truly love them. However, this isn’t a blank check to be a jerk. We should be humble and gracious.
Lastly, an important aspect of giving helpful, critical feedback is actually giving regular positive feedback. “When you give positive feedback frequently, your negative feedback, when it is warranted, will seem more credible and less threatening.”[2]
Practical Steps
You may agree that we must confront others, but how? How do we know when we should confront others? How do we go about it?
When sitting down to confront someone, it is helpful to write out what you will say. Try to keep it on one page. Be clear and concise. Don’t go on and on. Rehearse saying all of this and keep it one minute or less.
You might be thinking, “I don’t have time to write something out when someone sins against me.” Correct. Following this first step necessitates waiting to confront someone rather than doing it in the moment. There are times when admonishment is immediately necessary, but waiting is preferable since it gives you time to discern what exactly you want to say, and perhaps more important, if you should confront them at all (more on this shortly). I’ve often found after waiting that what is needed isn’t admonishment but repentance on my part. Don’t wait too long, however, just long enough for you to be calm and able to approach them in love and a sincere desire to help them.
As you sit down to write out your thoughts here is a simple acronym that summarizes the steps in confronting someone about their sin: W.E.G.P.A.W. Catchy? No, but hopefully an aid in remembering. Follow these steps to help you process the altercation, discern whether or not admonishment is needed, and articulate your thoughts clearly, graciously and biblically.[3]
What did they do wrong?
In one sentence, preferably a few words, what did they do? (i.e. spoke sharply, acted selfishly, behaved greedily, etc.). Get to this quickly. You might start with, “Hey, could I talk to you about something?” Then state the issue. This focuses the conversation on what a person did or said rather than on how a situation made us feel. Emotions are important, but alone are not a reason to confront someone. When confrontation is based on how an action made us feel rather than warranted by Scripture it can harm a relationship leaving the recipient feeling guilty but unclear about their responsibility or future behavior.
Example
When did they do this? Use a specific example. This will help clarify what they did wrong or clear it up if it was a mistake. Also, by stating specific examples it will help you respond to only legitimate causes for reproof instead of your perception of a situation, which can be misguided by feelings. In practice, this step is often melded seamlessly with step one.
Sometimes people can confuse giving an example of someone’s sinfulness with keeping a record of wrongs. This is not the same. You aren’t keeping a record of wrongs to hold against them, you are using the example to help and heal them. Nathan brought up what David did specifically. Not waiting too long also helps avoid the perception that you are secretly harboring bitterness from events that took place long ago.
Grace
Our posture should always be that of one sinner telling another sinner where to find grace. Give an example of how you’ve failed in this area or similar areas to communicate that you know yourself to be in need of grace.
This is also an ideal time to mention any part you might have played in the problem. Perhaps you exacerbated the issue indirectly or unintentionally. If the issue arose from an altercation it is likely that you could have done something better (i.e. been gentler in tone, more patient, gracious, etc.).
Proof
Why is this wrong? What scripture verse? If you can’t clearly and responsibly tell someone why their actions were wrong according to Scripture, then abort this admonishment.
This also eliminates admonishing someone for what we consider to be their motives or heart. We can’t admonish something we can’t see or know. If someone reveals to us their motives we can gently admonish them. Otherwise, we should pray for them and leave motives and other issues of the heart to God who sees them all clearly. God will lovingly discipline that person. We should stick to admonishing others for actions or words that are seen clearly.
Application
What should they do in the future? Show them what you believe faithful obedience to Scripture looks like in this area.
Why
Tell them why you wanted to have this conversation. Hopefully, because you love them and want what’s best for them. If that isn’t your motive for confronting them then it’s best to give it some more time. Pray and wait till God softens your heart so that you can come to them in grace and in truth.
Conclusion
If you find you can clearly articulate sound biblical answers to all these questions then choose a time to have the conversation and make sure it is a time and place they can give you their full attention.
Above all, pray. Pray God would give you godly motives and a gracious heart. Pray that they would receive it well and that God would use it to bless them and grow them in godliness.
After you’ve shared, invite them to respond. Ask them if they have any questions or thoughts and be prepared to own any critical feedback they have for you.
Obviously, this is not the only way to structure an admonishment, but I believe this approach takes into consideration the main aspects that go into healthy biblical confrontation. If someone were to use this structure to confront me about my sin, though it would sting, I’d be thankful for the clarity and love with which it was done.
[1] Mark Dever, The Gospel & Personal Evangelism (Wheaton, Ill.: Crossway, 2007). 27
[2] Harvard Business Review, Giving Effective Feedback, Illustrated edition (Boston: Harvard Business Review Press, 2014). 16
[3] Susan Scott, Fierce Conversations, 2nd Edition (New York: Berkley, 2004). This structure is very loosely based on the appendix in Scott’s book: The Confrontational Model. 254.
Mike McGregor
Mike McGregor (MDiv, Reformed Theological Seminary) is Director of College Ministry at First Baptist Church in Durham, N.C. You can follow him on Twitter at @m5mcgregor.
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